Um... I'm old enough to be your Aunt?

So I was riding BART the today... er.... yesterday. And I was minding my own business, listening to my iPod, generally getting glassy eyed and not much caring about anything... when I saw this cute guy looking at me... so I did what any well brought up Afghan girl would do - I became a complete BITCH.

No, seriously. It's part of our genetic make-up or something. We don't mean to do it but all of a sudden the most important thing in the world becomes the piece of lint on our sleeve or something equally stupid that enables us to pretend to be oblivious of someone looking at us though we know full well that they know - that we know - that they know - that we know....

Yeah, dumb and yet fiendishly complicated at the same time. And judging by the many single girlfriends, it's not just me... considering this apparent inbred social stupidity, how we Afghans haven't managed to become extinct is beyond me... but I do foresee that inevitable day for us hyphenated Afghans, mark my words. The lot of us are doomed to non-existence in one, maybe two generations. That or being even more hyphenated. Not a bad idea... But that's another blog.

Anyway, I looked like someone who hadn't gotten any sleep for the past three nights b/c she'd been playing video games and who'd woken up late and just barely had time for sunscreen and couldn't care less b/c well... damn it's BART and the last time someone vaguely attractive walked into my office was... uh... yeah...

So naturally I had to make sure that he was in fact looking at me - without an expression of disgust... and also to see if he was as cute as he was at first glance... when - Yup - He was looking at me and he was definitely a hottie.

Just the sort of guy I'd moon over back in High School.

And of course, that's exactly how old he looked.
Um... Awkward. And ewww!

So... now it's just weird, b/c I know he's looking at me and he is cute and he knows I know that he knows... BUT he's probably just a little older than my cousin Sabrina... and wow - if I have the same taste in thuggish Raider's cap wearing homeboys as a High School senior who I've watched grow up... then I'm just going to kill myself now...

And... Oh. Dear.God... He's coming over to talk to me. Moving train. Locked doors. A bored and captive audience. Perfect.

Who me panic? Never. I normally sweat buckets and look like I'm going to be sick.

He smiles. I continue being fascinated by lint. Please get the hint, I'm really just a nerd and this isn't something I've ever studied or prepared for so I actually don't know what to do and I'm saving us both awkwardness... Look, if it's not a standardized test or something involving a pencil, paper or at the very least a computer...

And... of course. He speaks. "Hi, how are you, are you getting off at the last stop too?..."

And all I could think is... "Wow, I'm old enough to have babysat you."

I smile at him, ask him how old he is. 20. Going to the Academy of Art College in San Francisco. Nice. So earnest. So cute. So young... I'm going to hell. I just know it. Damn you, Demi Moore!

I ask him how old he thinks I am. He said he thought I was 19 or 20. Thanks. This whole looking like crap thing is actually a good thing? Should try it more often. I tell him I'm 30. (Yeah, I fudged a wee bit, but like the difference b/w 28 and 30 is worth quibbling about...)

Watching his face fall was horrifyingly painful, yet necessary and inevitable.

"Oh wow. But you got on at the Lake Merrit stop. I thought you were a student at Merrit College."

"No, I graduated almost a decade ago. And I work near that stop."

"Oh...."

"Yeah..."

"But you smiled at me...and I thought..."

Oh, God. I'm totally sensing his spirit being deflated by my... advanced age. I HAD smiled. But simply b/c I 'd decided I was being silly and imagining things and he was just a nice kid. STUPID. There's a reason that lint was created; to give dumb socially unsavvy people a chance to avoid AWKWARDNESS. Now I feel horrible just for going against the grain and attempting to be nice.

Ugh.

Later, I told my mom what happened and how I panicked and felt sick. She said I was a wierdo and she doesn't see why I get all worked up about a totally inappropriate, non-Afghan, non-Doctor-Lawyer-Engineer, non-Formally College educated, non-European-made car driving - guy - MAYBE potentially being interested in me and asking me for my phone number...

HUH?!?! What?! Were the past 28 years just some horrible nightmare?! Were the past three decades just some evil conspiracy to make me think that the entire Afghan culture and my mom had contributed creating social awkwardness and general unease?! Since when have guys not been icky? I'm sure it's somewhere in the 'Good Afghan Girl Survival Guide'... Wha?!?

Now I feel dorky, nerdy, old and guilty.

So, before I go to bed all anxiety ridden... I'd like to say this to the Afghan community, Afghan parenting methods and the whole 'good Afghan girl Ideal/Fantasy/Hallucination' - Up yours.

Next guy that even glances in my general direction is getting my number. Whether he wants it or not goddamnit.

stupidgodforsakensociallybackwardselfinihilatingdoomedtodorkinessculture...

Posted April 2006